My First Love

My writing tools

If you think this is about a person stop here. I don’t want to mislead you. No seriously.

I have been on a life hiatus it seems. People that know me would be wondering what does this mean, you are driven, you travel, you have a career…However, becoming a teacher was out of necessity. Now, wait a minute before you start judging me. I came into it wanting to help children. But when I’m really being honest with myself it’s because I didn’t want to fail at what I’m really passionate about. Writing. I wouldn’t say writing comes naturally to me because if you ask me to write a short story about any given topic, I would draw blanks. Writing has been a pacifier for most of my life. It soothes me, calms me down, makes me feel comfortable. Take it away and my mind is like a toddler being weaned off. I started writing when my mom gave me a journal when I was 11. She said, “here use this to write your thoughts”. Prior to her giving me the journal, I had just lost a friend who was hit by a car. It was hard to process why such a thing would happen to a child. Why would God let this happened to a child? I started to question everything and became suspicious of the things I believed. But writing helped me through this time. My mom knew what she was doing.

As the years passed, I went on to write almost every day accumulating just over a dozen journals. I usually would finish one in a year. Except for high school. High school years were tough so I took solace in writing in my journal a lot. Usually, I wrote about who I had a crush on at the time. Sometimes I wrote about what my mom or sister did to make me mad. I also wrote extensive list about personal flaws and my progress on changing them. They were my thoughts, it was my comfort zone. It was how I built a relationship with myself and became content in solitude. But after I graduated from high school things changed.

When I was around 17, a lot of things in my life changed. First, it was my family. Then, my drive to get grades. I’m not sure why I lost motivation when I became a senior, but I had the worst case of senioritis. I was motivated by trying to be a good role model for my siblings and that changed. They were older and passed the age of mimicking everything I did (except for the fact that both of them, living in two different states, decided to grow their locs after I cut mine. I take credit for it, even though I know it was their choice). I lost my drive. I reluctantly made it through college, but I graduated. Then, things took a turn for the worse.

Ok, I’m being a little dramatic, but I no longer could see where I was going in life. My life was planned for me through college, so after that, I had to make my own decisions. Gasp! I had ideas of what I wanted to do – ideas of what I would have liked to do, but I ended up becoming a teacher. So yes, that means teaching was not my dream job. I thought I wanted to be a journalist, then a film producer or just working in television/film, then I wanted to be a film editor. Out of all the jobs that I thought I wanted to do writing has always been something I knew I would be doing.

“What do I write about”

Every time I write I feel like my soul is taking a breath of fresh air. I can focus. It’s the rare moment when I’m not judging my thoughts or opinions. But I put it on hold for a time so that I can live. How about that? The very thing that gave me life, I put it on hold so I could live. Of course, when I say live I mean get my own place, buy a car, build credit, things like that. Actually, for the past few years, I put writing to the side to focus on my career. I told myself when I get settled I would make writing a priority again. In the last year, I was getting adjusted to living in a new country. Still, I told myself I when I am settled I would make writing a priority and here we are. I am finally at the point that I can manage work and writing. Reflecting back, I should have never shelved it in the first place. Why do we feel like we have to put outside things we like to do so we can pursue our career? Why can’t we do both? This does not mean that I am going to quit teaching and find a writing job. I am going to continue on the path I created for myself because so far it’s working for me.

Any thoughts?

Have you ever put aside your true passion to “live”? 


Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.